The tenor of Josh's earlier book I Kissed Dating Goodbye is that you should be friends with someone before you date them. Likewise, you should only date someone that you might want to consider eventually marrying, etc. Dating without purpose and aimlessly poses a number of potential stumbling-blocks.
In contrasting his Biblically-derived concept of courtship with the prevailing hook-up, shack-up, and break-up routine, Harris writes, "We need new attitudes based on scriptural values and a radically God-centered view of pursuing an intimate relationship with the opposite sex" (p. 32). This book is a summons for making Christ and the Bible as the focal point for deriving wisdom in the pursuit of romantic relationships with the opposite sex. Author and Christian teacher Joshua Harris writes of his book:
I wrote Boy Meets Girl the year after I was married. It was a great chance to answer many of the questions that were raised by my first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. I know the last thing most singles want is more rules and, in Boy Meets Girl, I wanted to offer an alternative: an intentional, God-pleasing game plan for finding a future spouse. In the book, I discuss how biblical courtship (a healthy, joyous alternative to recreational dating) worked for me and my wife Shannon, to give an encouraging and practical example for readers wanting to pursue the possibility of marriage with someone they're serious about.Joshua Harris invites Christians to consider an alternative to the worldly approaches to relationships, casual dating, and cohabitation. He shuns hints of impropriety and premarital intimacy, and instead emphasizes the value of chastity and abstinence.
Joshua recollects his own successful courtship that lead to marriage with his wife Shannon, and describes his approach as thus:
I asked her to step with me into courtship, a new season of friendship. The purpose of this time would be to deepen our relationship so that we could prayerfully and purposefully explore the possibility of marriage.Joshua Harris' book astutely illustrates "that what matters most in a Christian relationship isn't whether we use the term dating in our courtship, but that we live for God's glory. We'll see how when we allow wisdom to guide our intense romantic feelings, our relationships are blessed by patience, purpose, and a clear grasp of reality" (p. 27). Harris reminds readers not to let readers recognition of varying circumstances give rise to relativism or arbitrariness in their approach to relationships. He rhetorically asks, "Is there such a thing is a 'right' way to do relationships? And if there is, who defines it? Who names it? Should we call it dating or courtship? Is one term godlier than the other?" (p. 30) Harris seizes upon courtship and admits its obvious romantic and chivalrous aspects. Above all Boy Meets Girl is a summons for "new attitudes based on scriptural values and a radically God-centered view of pursuing an intimate relationship with the opposite sex" (p. 32).
—Harris, Joshua, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship, (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, 2000), 25.
Falling in love was God's idea. He was the one who made us capable of experiencing romantic feelings. He was the one who gave us the ability to appreciate beauty and experience attraction. And He was the one invented marriage so that the blazing fire of romantic love could become something even more beautiful—a pulsing, red-hot ember of covenant lovein marriage.But why may we ask did God ordain this? Harris conjectures, "For the same reason that He made sunsets and mountain ranges and fireflies. Because He's good." It was a manifestation of God's love. God is the author of romance. He authored the romance of Adam and Eve. "God who spoke the galaxies into existence, was finding joy in the beauty of romance between a man and a woman" (p. 45).
—Harris, Joshua, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship, (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, 2000), 56.
The Holy Scripture offers prescriptive wisdom about the pursuit of relationships embodied in its stories, homilies, precepts, and commandments. Harris elucidates upon various points, such as: (1) joyful obedience to God's Word; (2) the selfless desire to do what's best for the other person; (3) the humble embrace of community; (4) a commitment to guard the sacredness of sex; and (5) a deep satisfaction in God (pp. 34-38).
Harris defines courtship as thus:
What is courtship? It's dating with a purpose? It's friendship plus possibility. It's romance chaperoned by wisdom. That's what I mean by setting a clear course for romance. It's not without risk; it's simply a way to be careful with the other person's heart while opening up your lives together to God's joyful best.Harris cautions his readers:
—Harris, Joshua, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship, (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, 2000), 56.
I also agree that it's foolish for a couple to immediately assume that they're going to be married. But stating your intention to explore and consider the possibility of marriage is very different from assuming that marriage is inevitable. By clearly stating the intent of the relationship, a man is asserting that he is open to marriage.Here, we see by expressing his interest in marriage, a man is expressing his intention toward commitment. Accordingly, there is a sense in which courtship entails a commitment not to "play games with another person's heart. It's serious," he remarks. Courtship represents a willingess to explore the merits of a lifelong commitment.
—Harris, Joshua, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship, (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, 2000), 55.
There is some practical advice herein. There are a number of virtues which Harris stresses that are requisite for a fruitful and healthy courtship. Chief among those virtues are patience, as Harris remarks,
Patience is important not only in waiting for the right time to start a relationship, but also in allowing it to unfold at a healthy pace. Impatience rushes everything. It urges us to skip the time and attention a healthy friendship requires and jump right into emotional physical and intimacy.Harris illustrates the perils of impatience in a relationship, whether under the auspices of supposed courtship or the just plain old casual dating game. Wisdom says patience. Misguided romance wrongly embraces immediate gratification.
—Harris, Joshua, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship, (Sisters, Oregon: Multnomah Publishers, 2000), 51.
As Proverbs 19:2 proclaims: "Also it is not good for a soul to be without knowledge, and he sins who hastens with his feet." Joshua warns against premature emotional dependence: "In a relationship, if our values are godly and our perception of what we value is accurate, our emotions will be appropriate and healthy. But if either is out of sync with the truth, our emotions will be inappropriate and unhealthy. Our goal should be to be properly excited about what is really important" (p. 57). Wisdom is a summons to base our decisions on accurate information, not whims or emotions. He cautions against revealing too much too soon when prospective courting couples have an interest in one another: "This is what Julia failed to do. Her emotions created an image of Matt that wasn't real. She rushed heart-first into the relationship with her eyes closed. Her marathon conversation with Matt on their first date created a false sense of knowledge." They revealed personal things about their lives, and yet "didn't get the reality check of time," or observe one another in other contexts. "The effect was to give them the impression that they were closer than they really were" (Ibid.) Accordingly, the season of courtship focus requires that we guard against the tendency to fill our gaps in our perception of our courtship with a reality based on fantasy or wishful thinking. Harris adds, "We need to move beyond typical, artificial dating activities and observe each other in real-life settings—in families, in church life, with friends, handling pressure at work." For these reasons, "[c]ourtship is a time to see the good, the bad, and the ugly in the one we love. Then our emotions and decisions about the relationship can be based on fact" (Ibid.)
Integral to the health and vitality of any friendship or relationship is communication. "Authentic communication is a skill that takes time, effort, and determination to learn. It also takes humility. The first step in getting good at communication is admitting that we're not good at it. We all need to humbly face the fact that most of us are novices" (p. 95). Here he stresses the importance of communication, and encourages men and women to pursue meaningful conversation in courtship period, not just trivial banter and flirting. Preparedness should sometimes go into such talk, instead of simply being idle chatter. Harris surmises, "Good communication doesn't happen by accident" (p. 100). He also encourages the couple to communicate from good motives.
Joshua Harris encourages men to assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in relationships with women. Moreover, he admonishes them to be a spiritual leader in their relationships with women. He stresses the value of communication, and men trying to do little things in relationships which communicate care, respect and a desire to protect. Likewise, men should encourage women to embrace godly femininity and chastity. He elucidates upon these points and develops them more fully. Furthermore, Harris emphasizes the value of community in courtship, because of the support structure it provides for a courting couple. Sound Biblical churches are a source of moral capital and wisdom for a couple pursuing a relationship. Families and churches also provide a forum for accountability, and help to delineate and enforce boundaries in a relationship.
Being a Christian book, it was only natural that he climatically stresses the integral value of monogamy and abstinence from premarital intimacy. Harris notes that, "we have to realize that the message of Scripture is not to disdain sex, but to love God's original design so much that we see the world's perversions of it as revolting" (p. 145.) The consequences of illicit sex are baneful. Unexpected pregnancy. Disease. Depression. Broken relationships. Emotional turmoil. In Hebrews 13:4 the Bible explicitly suggests the wisdom of guarding the sacredness of sexual intimacy between man and wife. Harris concludes, "When a Christian man and woman systematically deny their own physical desires as an expression of mutual faith and submission to Jesus Christ, they are laying a solid spiritual foundation for their marriage" (p. 151.)
Mike Mason's The Mystery of Marriage, which Harris cites, gives consolation for nostalgic Puritan romantics who know they could never find the right one, so they instead trust in providence to bring the right one to them:
Real love is always fated. It is has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences. And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and coincidence for His grace.Harris surmises, "This is what we learned through our courtship," in reference to his wife Shannon. "Our love story, like all real love stories was arranged by God. All the coincidences that made it possible were interventions of His grace. Our story was His story" (p. 218).
All things considered, Harris' book is remarkably useful. Whether or not, you take his personal criterion or boundaries as entirely prescriptive, it illustrates the integral importance of establishing meaningful boundaries in relationships, and ensuring accountability through reliance upon the church community and the parents of a courting couple.
"We need new attitudes based on scriptural values and a radically God-centered view of pursuing an intimate relationship with the opposite sex."
—Joshua Harris
Related Reading:Boundless
Joshua Harris
Sovereign Grace Ministries
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